Deep Thought: The Crush

Ah the crush. A sign of young love. A sign that the young as growing up and slowly becoming a lesser version of their adult self. I'm not here to explain what a crush is, cuz I pretty much laid it all out in some other chapter. I'm here to just..talk. Talk about what crushes mean to me, how I get the, etc. Let's begin.

Like many people I've had quite a few crushes. Most of my crushes never went beyond that, just crushes. I don't know why but I always fell for girls really fast. it only took a good look at her face and a decent personality and I was hooked. I'd often have dreams of the "perfect girl", and always waited til I found her. But until I did I was just fine with fantasizing with Girls A-Z. Still do this day I have many crushes, but now they're different. I still fall for girls on the drop of a dime, but now I feel like maybe that perfect girl I've imagined is really out there. Call me stupid or delusional but I feel like I can find her, or may have already found her. I think that the reason I crush so much is cuz it allows me to meet new people. I'll never know why but as long as there's girls to crush on I guess I'll oblige them. And don't ask if I'm crushing now, cuz I'm liable to tell you. And no one wants that.

Chapter 4: Yesterday

I've never really thought of myself as a bad kid. I may have done your typical growing up mistake type stuff but nothing to big or destructive. One of my few fears is jail, I'd get eaten alive, so I never was bad in fear of going. For those that don't know I lost my father at a young age. i never really had a father figure growing up, I just learned stuff on my own. But then I was thinking, how would thinks have been different if he were alive? Well for one I know we would have moved to Georgia. For sake of arguing I'll say we stayed there til I graduate high school. So anyway i think my childhood would have been different. For one I probably wouldn't have skated and instead played Basketball as my dad would have liked it. Likewise I probably wouldn't be much of a gamer either. Growing up would have been entirely different. I'm thinking I'd be an only child, as my dad would have had his boy that all men seem to want. I wouldn't have been shy cuz Uncle Calvin and Dad would have undoubtedly made me confident, and probably threw me at girls. My mom would probably be happier, she doesn't admit it now but I know she still hurts and misses Dad. Anyway I would have grown up with my cousin Trey, he's about 4 or 5 years older than me but he always hung out with me when I visited and never treated me as inferior, still doesn't to this day.I'd probably not be as sarcastic and witty, as that's a Jersey thing, I'd be smooth and well...Southern. Hell just thinking about my accent when I visit for extended time makes me laugh. I wouldn't have known anyone I know now, but new people. I'm thinking that life overall would have been not necessarily better, but different. I just felt I had to get that out, I think about it sometimes, how things would have been different, but I like where I'm at now. I got good friends, a decent personality and people seem to like me so I'm cool. Now if only I could solve that female problem...but that's another Chapter now isn't it.

Deep Thought: Relationships I

As to be expected in an autobiography I write about experiences in my life. One experience i seem to constantly be in a struggle for, and against, is relationships. Not specifically romantic, but relations with others in general. But I'll be talking with romantics here, and why it seems that I can't stay with any. Note: This Thought will be very opinionated, at least more so than my others and I will say some things that you may or may not agree with. I'm basing my judgment on personal experiences and based on similarities of situations I and making broad speculations on things. Sue me. I've noticed that men and women get into relationships for many reasons. Need for a companion, natural progression of a friendship, hell some people just do it for the sex. but I feel like for a relationship to work hat has to be some sort of similar reason for dating, logically speaking. But as most anyone can tell you love is far from rational. Many a time you can see opposites attract better than those who are alike. But to know why we want to date we have to know what we want, at least in a partner. But does anyone really know? Can you really know a person and just tell that they are all you want in life partner wise? Do you know there is none better and that you two will be the picture perfect and live happily til death to you part?Or are you not in it for the long haul and just need something small to get you by? And how do you know if the other isn't looking for the opposite. I see three main categories, I'll just call them 1, 2 and 3. 1 would be the quick fling, just someone to date just because you can. Not necessarily a big deal but you at least like the person. 2 would be the middle ground, looking for a fling that could maybe turn into something. Either or you're just fine. 3 would be the looking for wife/husband. Obviously you could ask, but that would imply that the other knows what they want, and is willing to tell you. Not saying that things can't change, but initially I'd imagine friction. Speaking from my own perspective I want something that can grow. Start small with chance for improvement, a 2. Now you would think I could look for either a 1 or 3 and be satisfied, but then I'd only be getting half of either relationship. So look for a 2 you say? Now the theories begin.

Now mind you i can only talk about what I know and if you get offended or feel the need to correct me, yell at me etc. then by all means let it be known. Everyone knows the quote "Nice guys finish last." I think the only place that quote applies is in love. Y'see I'm what you would probably call a romantic. I open doors, pull out chairs, meet the parents all that stuff. I like to think I'm easy to talk to, I try to make people laugh and I listen. A Nice Guy. But I've only had 3 relationships and struggle to find any at all. The 3 I've had I lost the girl to the "badass". What I always wondered was if girls want the "Smart, Sensitive, Funny Guy" and I thought I was that then why would they leave for the "badass", then it hit me. One of us didn't know what we wanted, most of the time them. Maybe due to age or whatever circumstances the girls I dated didn't know what they wanted til they couldn't get it anymore. The "badass" is a general term i apply to the guy who is "Tall, Dark and Handsome and more." The "And More" is the bad stuff that women hate men for, cheating, no good all that jazz. Not saying all men don't do it but I put the common offenders in the "Badass" category. It's the guy that girls go crazy for. But it's rarely what they need. "Badasses" are almost always 1s. They are out to sleep with anything and everything as much as possible. Now then as I said I had 3 relationships. Within I'd say about 3 months of each occasion the girls would have redated and tried to come back after realizing what they wanted. I don't too my own horn too often but on those days I really let em have it, mostly because I got the same reason for the breakup. "You're too nice, I feel like you're a brother to me." All 3 times. They'd leave me, get fucked over by another guy then try to come back, in which case I'd just laugh in there face. I sound cruel but internally I was slowly dying. My heart was broken every breakup, not because of the breakup but because of the guys they went to. But why did they go to them, I always and will always wonder. Until now. I realized that the girls I dated were getting too "attached". I was changing their numbers. They were slowly becoming 3s and they nor I knew it. Each one later has said that if they hadn't broken up we would still have been together to this day, and they'd probably have proposed to ME. Which led me to think, is it possible to change numbers while in a relationship, and what are the consequences? Well for one it throws the dynamic of the relationship off. If you get into a relationship and one person progresses faster, the changing member doesn't know whether to slow down or try to speed the other up. What do you do when you are on a faster mindset than your significant other? I think that's a case where the progresser has to re-evaluate the reason the two of them are dating and tell their other where they think it will go. The communication involved should solve any doubts for the best, whether it be a mutual change in mindset or an easy break up. If this had happened with any of my previous girlfriends I believe that their claims may be true. I'll leave you one a somewhat positive note, and a question. I am still single as of writing this but I'm not as shook up about it as I used to be. My question is this. What do you do when you like someone but don't think they like you? It has something to do with Part II. Sorta kinda.

Chapter 3: Center of Attention

I've always been a fan of comedy. Anything that can make me laugh, makes me happy. Hell the only thing I can watch on TV or movies for the most part is comedies. Never knew why but I just liked to laugh, I guess it just made me feel good. As it seems for everyine in the world life can suck sometimes, and when I make people laugh I feel like I am helping erase the bad and replace it with a happy memory. I like to live knowing that if I can make someone feel a little better than they did before meeting me I did some good in the world. Maybe that's why I like to be in the middle of any and everything. It seems to be the way my brain feels it can help the world, a way to brighten lives so they don't have to be dreary like I once was. Maybe the reason I make jokes isn't to be known, but to be remembered as a good memory. Maybe the reason I have friends is because it's my brain telling me that the people I flock towards need me or the most, or maybe I need them. Whatever the case I feel that I'm a cool guy, and I hope that being the center of attention complex I have won't end up being something I regret later.