Chapter 2: I find my days ending the same everyday.

I am a big music lover. Everyone that knows me knows it. I find myself listening to some song at almost every second of any given day. Looking back I don't know what sparked the love but it came somewhere. There are about 10 songs I know of that are significant in my life, and the list is always changing. I think the illusion of escaping what I see as a subpar life is what does it. I feel like when I'm listening to a song everything stops and I just see the picture the artist is presenting. When i hear a song about love I feel like maybe my miserable love life so far will get better someday if not as I listen. I feel if I hear about a crazy party I can walk outside and live on the edge without a care or reason and the world won't care either. But the more I listen, the more I realize that maybe I should stop dreaming and try to do things. This reminds me of a time when I was just into high school, Freshman and Sophomore year I'd say. It was Freshman Year and I had only been in Jersey for about 10 months I'd bet. The change was suburbia to the 'hood was starting to get to me. I couldn't walk outside and skate for fear of getting shot or jumped, there weren't friendly strangers, only bums and crackheads. Living with my gramma was a blessing and a curse, I had gotten out of 8th grade after almost failing, but the house was too restricting, even moreso than my environment. I couldn't do much cuz my gramma was protective, and if I did I feared the stress would kill her, so I stayed on the straight and narrow for the most part. That is til I met her. Katrina Pearson. Honestly I didn't wanna even write about this part of my life cuz I stil hurt on some days about it, jsut my imagination punishing me with "What Ifs" and "Shoulda, Coulda, Woulda's.". Anyway I had 8th period Biology with Mrs. Norwood. it was about the 3rd day of Freshman Year and since I was so smart most of my 8th grade friends weren't in any of my higher classes, and if they were they weren't tryna do shit. I had met another new person in 4th period History named Jasmine Kenty. Damn she was fuckin fine. This was her first year in Jersey from Florida and I felt what she was. She didn't come from the suburbs, but she felt left out cuz she had a thick accent and didn't know if people liked her. Well me being the nice guy I am I became her friend, taking a big risk cuz she was bound to be the popular girl of the school, but at that time I jsut wanted someone to talk to. And strangely enough she took a liking to me. I don't know how a relationship would have worked but I did turn her down and I don't know why. Correction: I didn't know at the time. Y'see I was falling for someone else. Jasmine was a cool friend, and we'd still be friends if she didn't move back to Florida, but for some reason my brain was comparing her to someone else. So it was about the 3rd day of school and to get us to become more acquainted Mrs. Norwood put us into groups for a simple worksheet on each other. I got Katrina and her lifelong friend Jasmine Parker. I'd say th rest is history but that'd defeat the purpose of reading this book. So we were working and I just couldn't get ove how beautiful this girl was, and she was weirdly enough not laughing under her breath at me or shunning me off as a geek. Hell on the day i got my braces I rushed to get to school just to ler her be the first to see I had gotten em (I got em for her cuz I knew she didn't like hers), and by rush I mean I got there with 2 minutes left in 8th period. Or another time when she broke up with her boyfriend at the time and was hurt so I sat on the phone for about 12 hours just listening, not saying much of anything, just listening and trying my best to console her. I had fallen in love, but couldn't tell her. So i would go home and cry most days. I'd turn on "By the Way" by The Red Hot Chili Peppers and throw "Minor Thing" on repeat for hours on end and cry. I did this every day til October of Sophomore Year. It was October 17th. I don't remember much cuz I was so ecstatic but I know i had pissed her off REALLY bad, bad enough that she was talking to me. So i went home and wrote a letter to her. I told her exactly how I felt. I figured if she never saw me again I wouldn't go down without divulging months of pent-up feelings never to express them. The next day afterschool I gave it to her personally and expected her to rip it up, but she read it, right there in front of me...then she laughed. I swear that instant is still the worst moment of my life. Fortunately she was laughin cuz she played my like a fiddle, she was never mad and was fucking with me. But then she looked at me and said "You mean this? The letter?" and I said "Eh, why not?" and she just hugged me. We stayed there for about 15 minutes just embraced. That night she called and we were dating, but with a footnote. She is the kind of girl that likes to focus on one thing, so she'll try everything else out and goes back to square one. She did the same with relationships. She liked a boy named Terrence and another, a friend of mine, named Clint. I knew both guys and knew that she wouldn't mesh with either, she knew it too but just had to 'try' them. So I told her I'd rather see her happy then to question things and she dated both, and broke up with both. Now comes the twist. While with Clint there was another factor thrown in I didn't know about. As she was throwing signals at me (Which in my lack of smart I didn't catch), someone else did. So she was actually cheating on Clint with another guy, left Clint and as I went back in my spot was taken. I've never recovered from that, nor can I ever let it go. I'll never know what could have come, and probably never will. She's still with the guy, and they are happy, so I guess I shouldn''t care, but I can't stop caring about her. But I digress, I won't bore you anymore with Ms. Pearson. She went her way, and I went mine. We'll meet again sometime down the road, I can guarantee that, and things wil be like 8th period Bio with crazy ass Norwood. I could take my life and put it in 3 verses, and a hook and sell it as a single. But I don't hink the world would be ready for such a sad song.

Deep Thought: Life II

I can honestly say I was dreading this entry, mainly because I didn't know where to improve on Life I. I had already explained why I think it is we keep on living, but I didn't know where I would take that next. Then it hit me. Maybe it's not the chase of a dream that drives us, it's the chase. If you look at a lot of people, they have a "life goal" and work everyday to reach it. Once they do they say they can "Die a happy person.", which led me to think that it's not necessarily the end the justifies the trip, but the trip that justifies the end. For example my "life goal" would be to have every person I meet think better of me and the world than before I met them. Now when I meet that goal, be it possible or not I will likely be at the end of my road so to speak. Would I get more enjoyment knowing that I'm at the end of my trip, or would it be the trip itself that made me feel good about what I accomplished? So I started thinking on a smaller scale, a different goal, graduation of high school. Most kids want to graduate for whatever reason, and their parents want to see them succeed as well, graduation being an integral part in most cases. Now on Graduation Day every involved is a plethora of feelings for obvious reasons, one of them being a feeling of accomplishment. But thinking back is it the fact that you are graduating that you feel accomplished, or is it the 12+ years of prior schooling that molded you into who you are that day that makes you feel like you can do, be or conquer anything that is more fulfilling? In this case are you more proud of that 15 second walk across a stage or years of the good, bad and ugly parts of your life? In these terms it seems to me that you would be proud of the years of work you put in, but on a smaller scale the entire system is flipped. Imagine your goal is to make a sandwich. Would you savor the eating of the sandwich more than making it? In this case does the trip justify the ends more so than the ends justifying the trip? I have noticed that the grander the 'goal' than the more the end becomes irrelevant and the process of getting there is more important. If you want to walk from you TV to the front door then the trip is unimportant to getting to the door. But if you wanted to say become a billionaire it would matter less becoming the billionaire, but the values you learned along the way that you can spread to future generations. So I dare to ask you the reader this. What you in this game we call Life for...the trip, or the end?

Chapter 1: The I's Have It.

I'm Darryl Ramsey.
I am 18 years old.
I am 5'7".
I weigh anywhere from 120 - 135 on any given day.
I am American, Canadian and Trinidadian.
I am a gamer.
I am a skater.
I like Wedsnesdays and Thursdays.
I write screenplays and sitcom scripts in my spare time.
I can't grow a full beard though I want one.
I play Magic The Gathering and formerly Yugioh.
I still enjoy Pokemon, Probopass is my favorite.
I live at home with my mom, her boyfriend and my step-siblings.
I remember numbers and dates very well.
I am a Cancer, but on the cusp of Leo.
I fall for girls easily.
I have two best friends, and about 5 friends.
I sometimes wish I was more attractive, but realize looks aren't important.
I think about everything.
I look at my surroundings and wonder why they can't be better.
I talk to people and wonder if they laugh with me or at me.
I used to hate myself.
I don't like fighting, but will if there is no other choice.
I like to be the center of attention, but only when I am in control.
I strive for relationships and for some reason never get them.
I am the nice guy girls say they want but never go after.
I theorize about things important at certain times in my life.
I wonder what my life would be like if I reversed all of my decisions.
I stole this idea from Alicia and may never live it down but I'm fine with that.
I find beauty in everyone, just more in different people.
I will probably add to this list, but for now I am done.

To be continued...

Deep Thought: Friendship

Do you have friends? Hopefully you do, but if not then email me and I'll be your friend. Friendship is a vital piece of our social life, in fact it is majority of it in most cases. But what makes a friend, or more importantly a GOOD friend? To me, a friend is someone you can rely on near 100% percent for anything you'd need. Someone no matter what the situation they can help, or try within the extent of their power to help. A person from which you can get another point of view on situations, yet know that they will always be in your best interest. A person that can set things into perspective and reel you in when your feelings are crazy. But if that's what makes a friend what about the people you associate with that don't fit that but you talk to? They are...associates. The word friend is thrown around casually in society nowadays because it makes people feel good to have a "friend". To say "You're my friend" sounds warmer and more inviting than saying "You're my associate", and that's just the nature of the words. I see friendship as a whole like a pyramid. At the tip you have the penultimate, the best friend. To me that's a person that if need be could step into your life and essentially become you for sake of any argument. If someone is planning something surprise for you, they know that the best friend will know what to do. A friend is just below, and not saying they wouldn't know you well, they just aren't on the same level, be it because of time known or other outlying circumstances. the difference between friend and best friend may even be the reliability of being a friend, but that comes in later. An associate to me is someone you can get along with in set intervals, enough to not dredge your interactions. Most "friends" people have fit in this category. Y'see the things with me and my friends is this. I don't have too much of a family influence to run to, so I rely on my friends to either distract me from it, or to vent, rant or otherwise go verbally crazy. I guess this has made me put more pressure on who I call 'friend' so I don't go blurting on someone I can't trust or someone who I know won't care. But as I thought deeper about relationships in general I realized that the scheme I follow can apply to a lot of people. Think on your friends. You probably have 1-3 that you can tell anything, do anything with and otherwise can always be around, your best friend. Most people's best friends are similar to how I see them. But the discrepancy seems to be between "friend" and "other". See I have 2 best friends, and about 8 friends, and tons of "other". Not to discount the "others" but there's is some outlying flaw that I either can't deal with or prevents them from elevating. Think about your friends. Do any of them have one big flaw that at some point you can't stand them for? What is it that keeps them a friend if at some point you can't stand their presence? Why is it that they are only friends for part of the time you are with them, and the rest they aren't? Don't get me wrong I'm simply cross examining my beliefs with your the reader's and trying to broaden both of our outlooks. I feel like I am too hard on good people who want to be closer to me, but my subconscious rejects them because they don't fit a mold. I sound like a cruel hearted egotist right now I know, but I hold my friends in high regard, but on occasion I question myself on why I only associate with some people and befriend others. Where is the line drawn and is it possible to change it without collapsing everything I know now of friendship? I think that if we evaluate within ourselves what we want in other that the people we socialize with will dictate whether they are "worthy" of higher status in our everyday lives. If we somehow present outward what we want to receive inwards then the people around us will...fill in the blanks on their own so to speak. Personally I like my group of friends and associates, for me right now in my life it is now balanced. I am still actively pruning and planting new seeds in a perpetual change of people to hopefully keep from making a wrong decision on people, but now I feel like I don't have to be a lone farmer, but I have a little help from my surrounding to help the fruits of my harbor.

P.S. You don't know how many times i spelled 'friend' as 'firend'. Damn my dyslexia.

Deep Thought: Life I

Life. We know all the science behind it, how things live, how they die, etc, but do you know WHY they live? Do we really know what drives a person to keep breathing for each passing second? I can't speak on other people, but I can give you an insight into my life. My life is an easy one. I don't do too much to exert myself past my comfort zone, whether that's good or bad isn't up for discussion yet. The hardest part of my days are stopping myself from overthinking, thinking about thing that can't and maybe shouldn't happen.So what is it that drives me? I guess it'd have to be those thoughts that I constantly try to stop. They give me hope, hope that I will someday have something I can cherish. Visions of grandeur, of happiness beyond compare. I don't find myself thinking of material things too often, and if so only to help what else it is I'm wanting. Does that mean my life is based on a dream? Could my existence be based solely off of an abstract thought? Think about religion. In a nutshell it's a large group of people following a road to what...an abstract thought about the afterlife. Could it be that I live day to day hoping that maybe I'll hit a dream in my reality. Now don't get me wrong, what I dream about is very real, if not for me thatn somebody in the world, but I live thinking that I will get so close and just miss it. Is it wrong to chase dreams? Some people would question if it's sane to chase something that you constantly don't think you can get or achieve. Would it be crazy to think that you can will the impossible to fruition? Personally I can tell you that I'll never stop chasing my dreams. Correction. I will stop chasing, but only after I'm off this Earth and somewhere else, probably chasing another.

Deep Thought: Lust

This is just a usual thought, but think about what lust is. You want a person so much that nothing else matters. We all know that. But I feel that we can identify lust as a watered down love. Think about how you know about lust. The strong urge to just take a person and get primal, to be frank. You usually see someone and say damn he/she's fine" and want to be with that person hot and sweaty in a motel room. Your brain sees the person, sends a positive impulse then stops and blocks out the rest. You see, like and that's all you care about. Now follow me here. Think to the last time you lusted. Something about that person had to stick out, usually the physical features. But is it possible to be lustful of someones personality? Is there a way not care about how someone looks, but an action they just did made you wanna just go at it? If not then what makes lust what it is? As far as I understand to lust is wanting something intensely. Most times you see someone and want their body, but could you see someone and want their brain, or heart? I think but can, but only in context. I think it's possible to lust someone at sight, but by hearsay it may be possible. if I were to tell you about someone and their personality just lit you up, I think that'd be lust of the non physical persuasion. Some people wold say it's just a crush or love thru attraction. Since Love is categorized as having a high overall Attraction to someone or thing, Lust can be categorized as a large difference between the physical and emotional attraction, and either can be the better. Think about it logically. When you see that girl/guy in the club, all you see is her figure, or face. You don't care about her pet peeves or life goals. So you're physical slider would be in the positive, and emotional would be neutral, thus having a large enough difference to be categorized as lust. Like wise if all a friend tells you about a person is how caring, honest and such person is you'll have a positive emotional attraction, but a neutral physical as you have nothing to base on. now that the differences between lust and love have been explored, I feel that we as humans should try to re-evaluate our relationships to try to remove as much lust as possible, and try to balance out the sliders to make friends, significant others or whatever it is you decide.

Written at 16.

Double Duty.

This isn't your normal Deep Thought I'd usually put in here, but it is a thought none the less. Have you ever thought you met someone you'd like to meet or get to know better, but certain outlying factors are preventing it? Like you see a nice person, but know that between yourself and them something will clash. I just hit that wall. For anonymity's sake we'll call this person "X" and any instance used for examples has been changed to try to keep it hidden. I met X thru a friend and surprising we clicked instantly. I enjoy talking with X, X is a good friend of mine now. But there's something I heard from our mutual friend that troubles me, just a little. X has a big person complex, and I am short. I can't change it, it's who I am. So do I test the odds and try to get closer to X, knowing that I may crash and burn? Or just stay where I am and wonder? I don't know I'll just flip a coin and let fate decide.

Deep Thought: Love

If you got to this chapter I'm assuming you read the previous ones, if not go back you fuckin cheater. Anyway this topic is easily related, but more progressed. Natural progression would say that to fall in 'love', a certain attraction is necessary, what kind isn't particularly important, yet is entirely important.

Love is easily one of the more complicated parts of the human emotions. It's an emotion that has many facets, sort of like a gem, but it is easily molded and situational. Think about your parents/guardians and family members. The 'love' you have for them is one of caring, they are (hopefully) the people who raised you, who helped make you who you are today by righting any wrongs you made and helping you grow as a person. You care about them because without them you lose a vital support system and people who have helped you grow and will continue to do so. Now think about a significant other. The person who 'gets you', who you can reveal your feelings to, a person who is so like you, yet different enough to not be redundant. Comparing those two feelings anyone can tell they are most likely different, "loving" and being "in love" as it's commonly put. But I think they are the same, just applied to different aspects of the people. I think Love is an overall impulse from the brain that effects how you perceive the person. If you love them they have a higher standing in the social aspects of your brain. For instance you trust a loved one more than a stranger because the stranger has no disposition in your brain.
Now think about your loved family member and significant other. You are in most cases torn because the brain is sending similar impulses, thus making people indecisive as it becomes hard to differentiate which impulse is "correct". If your mom and wife/husband disagree on which car to buy for example, who do you side with, the person who raised you and never steered you wrong, or the person who is in tune with your deeper feelings and knows how you are. Both love you, and you love them, but since the brain is sending two similar impulses they both seem like correct decisions.

"But Darryl, how are the two loves separate but the same?"

Well as I said the brain sends out different impulses based on disposition with the person. But these dispositions are also based ON the person. Think about this, would you think about your mother or grandmother in a sexual way? Hopefully not, but a significant other you just may and probably do. Like wise would you want to think about your significant other being there during those embarrassing moments when you were growing and experiencing life? Probably not. Thus the brain differentiates from which sections of itself to send the impulses from. In the car example you brain will send 'love impulses' as I'll call them, but from different sections of the brain. From your mother you may get a ping from your memory of cars you had growing up, or rules your mom said about cars and safety, or maybe even a sentimental car from your childhood. Whereas your significant other's pings may be from the future family standpoint, or a car that you two will enjoy. Though you got different responses, they carry the same type, thus conflicting. This fact had troubled me for a long time, but I think now I have it set in stone and ready for discussion and yet still for deeper analysis. We here for our entire like to love those close to you, and I believe that intently, but how do we as humans dealing with Conflicting Loves? Personally I take the stand that you combine the beliefs of both into a single ping. I think that if we take apart the different aspects of our life and out them down, setting aside the irrelevant and bringing the important to the forefront will inevitably combine ones morals and home raising with the sociability of other people in your life. To fuse the past and future into a new Prent will not effect your past, but set for a dynamically changing life. They say to learn of the future look to the past, and taking that principle at it's core is a way to get the most of love.

Written at 16, Revised and Readapted at 18.

Deep Thought: Attraction

Though I hate introductions, as previously noted, I assume I should let you get a little backstory on me. As of this writing I'm 18 years old, lives with my mom, her boyfriend and step-siblings, unemployed and in school. I can't dance, I sweat a lot, I'm short and I'm a geek. Not that all the negatives are out of the way, I have some positives if you can believe it. I like to think of myself as a charismatic guy, I can talk my way into and out of most things, good or bad. I'm a great listener, when it's something important and I think I'm trustworthy. My entire character seems to be based around social interaction, and I'm good at what i do, but I have one major flaw in most people's eyes. I have a tremendous overbite. I don't think it's bad, but in this "Cosmetically Perfect" society we live in it's hare to fit, which is understandable to an extent. You'd rather look at someone attractive than not, which is the basis for this writing. What is "attraction"?

By definition attraction is some object, situation, feeling, etc., or another person, that causes enjoyment. But can you be attracted to something unattractive? As I said I have an overbite, I've had it all my life, it's normal to me which in my brain makes it not unattractive or attractive by default. Based on self-esteem I can either love or hate it, that's simple. For others it's equally simple. Since it is majority of the time not encountered and unappealing it is unattractive. But with exposure can it become attractive? And if so will it be the overbite becoming attractive, or other factors becoming more or less attractive that is shifting focus from it somewhere else. For example if I gave someone a picture of my face and sat them in a blank room would that person grow to find it attractive or would it's disposition stay the same, or even worsen? Now what if I as a person was put in the room as well, free to engage with the subject? Would the overbite be improving it's own disposition by exposure, or would my character and other factors help it's cause by getting better or worse in the subjects eyes? I see "attraction" as a set of positive through negative sliders, an overall slider based on the object, and sliders based on the individual features of the object. Let's take a face as an example. If you think the face is attractive then the slider is in the positive region, higher based on how attractive you find it. Though the face is attractive, you may find a certain feature unattractive, bringing its disposition down, along with the overall, but unaffecting the other sliders. All of this is hopefully making sense, but now follow me deeper.


-Eye Break-


I've mainly been talking about physical attraction, liking what you see., but what about emotional attraction? I see emotional attraction as liking what something represents in it's actions and beliefs. Emotional and Physical attraction are also in most cases held separate of each other, case in point thinking someone is pretty but not liking their attitude. But is it possible for them to cross effect each other? Can liking some one's personality more make you like their physical more? Can a person's character effect how you perceive they look? If so that means that there's a link between these two forms of attraction, making either two directly linked sliders, or a third slider all together for "Total Attraction". Also is it possible to be fully attracted to both aspect, or is there a balance to which attraction is based on. For sake of ease think of it like a sandwich. The Emotional and Physical sliders are the bread, and the individual features being what you put in. If you put too much in it's not much of a sandwich that's edible, as your mouth wouldn't be able to chew into and contain all the flavorings in between. But if you pick and choose your fillings you begin to tailor a sandwich to your liking. Is it that way with people and interactions? Is that first appearance with a person the initial sandwich, and through interaction to we take away and put into what we started to make something easier to agree with? If so when do we finally stop adding and subtracting and eat? When does the mind, heart and soul stop to enjoy what it made of it's perception of the subject? And if the soul does stop, is it possible to make a new sandwich, a revised sandwich based on prior knowledge? These are the questions that haunt me, that nag at my heart because I think I know the answers, but in my life as of now they don't fit to what I want. I know deep down the answers pertaining to my daily situations but I try as hard as I can to disprove myself. *sigh* That's just some thoughts I had to put down, feel free to theorize all you want, these are what I believe.

Written at 16.

So.

I guess this is the beginning. The point where you introduce some conflict or point and prepare the readers as to what to expect. The point where you lay your groundwork to build, break down and rebuild at some later point. The point where you either gain or lose a person, where opinions are formed and minds gather on something, anything assumed to be contained in the reading. But for me beginnings are different. The beginning for me is a formality, something I do just because no matter what it has to be there. You can't get to an end without it. A beginning to me is the point where I tap into my inner 'me' and dig out something that will inevitably happen. As I've been known to say "Don't doubt me cuz I'm hardly ever wrong.", and unfortunately I can't fool myself. My beginning are me doing my precognitive shit and finding a future that half of the time I don't want. But there's a question that I've been pondering for a while. Is it possible to change a beginning after you've experienced it? Is it possible that the events afterward are so radically different what what was set up that it in turn will alter what came before it? I doubt anyone will ever find out, but I guess it won't hurt to try. This isn't a normal book, it's a collection of thought spanning over a hell of a lot of years. Some stuff may be obsolete, some debatable but it's all me so I guess you deal or leave. I'm Darryl Ramsey, and you're in for one hell of a ride, you better believe it.